


I Wish

by dont_cry_larry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, It's really SAD okay, M/M, angsty, but the end is better, don't read it if you're affected easily by that, it's getting happier towards the end, mantions of rape and abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7199660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dont_cry_larry/pseuds/dont_cry_larry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>It's dark, now isn't it? It's no colour and shiny - the world. All dark, no happiness, no smiles, no sun; just sorrows and darkness, pulling me in and in and ininin. This big, deep hole is swallowing me whole and I can't stop it, never tried, wouldn't be able to either.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>It's somehow funny isn't it? How I ended up here, all happy and giddy just months ago- I lost it all. Everything I had because of one person- everything!</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish

**Author's Note:**

> Like I already mentioned in the tags, **please do not read if you are easily affected by rape or abuse!**  
>  -  
> I kind of like this story, if I'm being honest, but it's just incredibly sad...  
> -  
> Also **please read the notes at the end of the story ******thank you! xx

It's dark, now isn't it? It's no colour and shiny - the world. All dark, no happiness, no smiles, no sun; just sorrows and darkness, pulling me in and in and ininin. This big, deep hole is swallowing me whole and I can't stop it, never tried, wouldn't be able to either.

It's somehow funny isn't it? How I ended up here, all happy and giddy just months ago- I lost it all. Everything I had because of one person- everything!

I swallow a big gulp of my vodka botte and start laughing. It's so damn ridiculous. I was this typical loud boy whom you see on the streets every day, laughing, joking, having fun. It's over now though, isn't it? It's all done and I can't turn the time back to prevend it from happening. Ican't.

I laugh again, deep and not genuine, throaty but not free. Tears are drying on my cheeks as I get up from my couch and shuffle through my new, dirty flat. You'd think that moving is a great and new start, eh? It's not, I can tell you it's not. You probably think that you leave the old and bad memories behind, have a completely different life and just feel light but that's not it. Not at all.

The only thing I feel is darkness, darkness and darkness. Uncertainity too, but mostly darkness.

Weird how everything can change in such a short period of time, right? I wish it couldn't.

# -

There they are again. Green eyes. Green eyes.

Such a deep green, I want to get lost in it. I want to see it forever and nothing else anymore. I need to breath it in, drown in it.

But then they are gone again, scanning over the room , shining brighter when they find what they were looking for. I wish it was me.

# -

How will I ever continue like this? How will I start feeling something else than darkness ever again? How? How? How?

My stomach churns when I heard the deep and raspy voice again. I turn around to see green eyes, green, shining eyes and cherry red, bitten lips. My heart flutters too. My knees wobble and my head spins. It's not normal, is it?

The lips turn up into a smile and the eyes wink at me and I need to look down quickly. I shouldn't look him in the eyes. I shouldn't reveal myself, I shouldn't show him how vulnerable I am. I shouldn't show him my empty, dull blue eyes. I shouldn't, but I wish I could.

# -

A big hand is grabbing my waist not so softly and presses me back against the wall. I can feel my heartbeat becoming faster and my view starting to become blurry.

I know it's not him, I know it. There are beautiful green eyes staring at me with a little glint in them and I know it's not him. I can't help but let out a whimper though. Harry doesn't let go, he won't stop.

He just presses closer, probably having understood the sound in a wrong way. I try to push him away, try to get him off of me, squirm beneath his touch, when he touches his lips with mine. I can't let him do that again, I need to get away from his touch.

It's burning, it's too hot, it's hurting, making me remember. I don't want to remember, I want to forget. Just forget and never think of it again.

My teeth bite harshly on his lips and he seems to understand finally, pulling away with a questioning and hurt look in his face. I shove him backwards, my eyes showing horrow and angst.

He wouldn't hurt me, I tell myself. He wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't.

But when he goes to touch my hips again, I scream. I push him away with all my force and run. I run until I can't breath anymore, run until I cannot hear his yells of 'Lou! Lou, wait!' anymore. I run until my legs give out and until my breaths get too short. I run until I can't see anymore because of my tears. I run until I find a park and collaps on a bench, shaking thanks to the coldness and fear.

I sob and sob and sob until there isn't even any force left in me to do just that. I cry until I fall asleep with darkness in me and around me.

When I feel raindrops starting to hit my whole body, I get up and manage to find the way to my flat without any light from the sun.

I pushed him away, he won't talk to me anymore. I know he won't, I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could explain.

# -

I can't look him in the eyes no more. He would recognise the fear in them, he would question it. I cannot explain it though, I couldn't. It would break me.

I ignore him, walk on the other side of the street, avoid going outside. I don't want to meet him again. Not ever.

Fortunately my prayers are being heard and I don't see him for the next week. Or the week after. Or the week after.

I feel relieved, not happy, never happy.

I'm still crying myself to sleep every night. I wish I could stop that.

# -

No. Nonono. No!

He can't, he can't. Please let this not be true. Please not. Please not! Please not!

How could anyone ever let him? He's not going to be locked away, he's not going to be away from me. He will find me! He will find me!

He can't- please let him not. God, please, please prevend this, please, I'm begging you.

I hide under my blanket, don't go out, never go to work. I don't go grocery shopping, not even leaving my flat for the mail. I won't risk him seeing me.

I lose weight. Of course I do, I don't have any food left. I know I should buy some. But how does anyone expect me to go outside when he could be waiting behind every corner? When he could step in front of me, grinning and his devilish eyes glinting in the sun. The man who took my everything. My happiness, my whole life.

How would anyone expect me to go outside? I would never. Never. Ever. I just wish I would feel free again.

# -

There's a knock on my door.

Oh god, he's here. He found me. He's going to kill me. He's right behind the door, waiting to kill me. He is going to kick in the door if I don't open it right away.

I rush to my phone as fast as possible, typing in the number of the police and just as I want to hit 'call', I hear a faint voice coming from the door.

'Lou? I know you're in here, I saw the light,' the voice says. But that's not him. I breath out in relieve and my eyes let a few tears spill.

It's not him!

The voice is way too concerned, way too deep, way too soft. His voice was high pitched, hurting in my ears every time he spoke.

'Harry.' I would jump into his arms if I had the force to do it, but I hug him anyways. He seems shocked, because he lets the boquet of flowers he was holding fall right next to our feet, his dressed in boots and mine bare.

But then I snap out of my trance and pull him into the flat, quickly shutting the door shut behind me.

He wants to open it again to get the flowers, but I plead him with tears in my eyes, not to.

He complies and then his eyes widen at the sight of me. I've always been skinny, but I guess that is a little too much for him, because I can see the shock in his eyes when hee sees my naked arms and legs.

'Louis,' he gasps. 'Louis, what have you been doing to yourself?' I can see tears building up in his eyes too, and try to stop them from rolling down.

He's not- he's not supposed to cry! Why is he crying? I want him to stop!

My hands find his cheeks and I wipe them away, but they just won't stop.

His hands grasp my wrists in them, but I let out a shriek and pull away, having him flinch too.

'Let me get something to eat, I'm not going to let you starve yourself. I bet you have nothing left.' And he's gone, like that, without another word.

The next fifteen minutes I am pacing around in my flat, heartbeat fastening every passing minute.

Soon I can hear footsteps approaching my door and I hide behind my couch. Please let it be Harry, please let it be Harry. Please please please. Pleasepleaseplease.

But then I can hear Harry's voice through the door and I nearly cry in relief again. I open the door quickly and shoo him inside, slamming the door shut behind him.

'I'm cooking you something. Where is your kitchen?' he asks and I point to the door on the right.

He puts the flowers he brought in a vas and the next half an hour is spent by him cooking and me watching him cook, silently. No words are exchanged, but it could be weirder.

When he is finished with cooking, he smiles brightly and lets me taste a little, before telling me to sit down and half-feeding me the meal. I cannot eat a lot. I'm not used to it. But I try. For him and his green eyes.

He also eats a little, but not much, before putting the rest in my fridge and telling me to heat it up tomorrow.

After that, he sits down on the couch and pats the space beside him.

I sit down after hesitating shortly and ask quietly why he's come here and how he found out where I live. He answer me with a ''cause it felt right' and that he knows the adress because one of his friends is my colleague.

I just nod.

'Why?' he then starts. 'Why didn't you eat? Why didn't you go outside? Why don't you like me touching you?'

I'm startled by his questions, shrinking back into myself and wanting to be swallowed by the floor. Of course he would ask that. I just shake my head and try to sit even further away from him, but the couch is too small.

He bites his lips and closes his eyes for a second. 'I just- I don't know what do to. I-'

'Nothing, okay? There's nothing you can do.'

He tries it again and again, but I can't tell him. Like I said, I would break. Completely. I don't want that.

I wish I could tell him. I really do.

# -

He keeps coming. Every week.

Buys me some groceries, cooks a little for me. Even bakes cookies sometimes. He talks a little to me and makes me feel a little lighter, a little more like everything is alright. But just a tiny little bit.

It's nice to have company. Even though I still don't go outside.

Yesterday he made me laugh. Like, really laugh. Not just a tight smile or even a bright sincere one. It was a loud obnoxious laugh and I could see his eyes crincle afterwards.

He's not given up on me yet. Yet. I know he will. I wish he wouldn't.

# -

We are sitting on the couch again, closer this time. Our knees are touching and I'm not jumping or trying to sit away. I'm improving.

He seems to notice too, always trying to touch me lightly in every way possible. A brush of our shoulders. Our feet rubbing against each other. His hand stroking over my upper arm.

It's calming somehow. And he still hasn't left.

And suddenly there is someone knocking on the door. Loudly, roughly and I let out a quiet gasp.

No. No, no! No!

Damn it!

I start shaking uncontrollably, pressing my hands to my face.

He's gonna get me. He's gonna get me and Harry will be happy to have one bother less in his life.

'Lou? Lou, are you alright?' He kneels down on the floor in front of me and puts his warm hands on my thighs. I remember his hands on them. I want to stop remembering. Please don't let him get me.

'Harry,' I breathe out. 'Harry. Don't let him get in here. Harry.'

He doesn't seem to understand, eyebrows furrowing. But his hands never leave my body. I don't know if it's good or bad. It makes me calm down just slightly, but at the same time it makes me remember.

'I'm gonna open the door and be right back, yeah?'

'No!'

'I'll be right back, I promise. I'm just gonna answer the door.'

'Nono!'

'Hey, love, look at me. I'm gonna be back before you can realise I even stoop up.' And then he just leaves and lets me alone, curled in a ball on the couch. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that this is just a dream. It was going so well, I was doing so good.

Why now? Why now? I just got hope.

And when there's a hand on my shoulder, I widen my eyes immediately and start crying when I see it's only Harry.

He sits down next to me and wraps his arms around me and I let it happen. He whispers into me ear that it was just the neighbour knocking and asking if he could have two eggs and I start crying more.

I'm so pathetic. Such a pathetic fuck up.

'You're not, love. You're lovely and beautiful and I know you have a reason for being so scared.'

I just nod and dry my cheeks on his shirt and he holds me closer. He rocks me softly in his arms until I can breath again properly.

'He- he used to hit me, ' I start with tears building up in my eyes again. 'He was being nice at first and I trusted him. I trusted him. But he just used me. He started to hit me when I didn't do what he asked for. He slapped me around and I just couldn't leave. He wouldn't let me leave the house, took my phone and locked the doors. I- I-- then he started touching me. He would- I- I couldn't stop him. I was too weak. I am so weak. The neighbours got suspicious some time and called the police and they arrested him b-but they set him free again. They set him free because I didn't want to testify what he did. And now he's out there. He's somewhere out there, Harry, and could walk in any second.'

I can feel the man shaking around me and I try to dry his tears, but they just keep coming. They won't stop.

I wish he wouldn't cry because of me.

# -

He doesn't leave me for the next day. Neither for the night. He sleeps on the couch while I toss around in my bed.

He got too close, didn't he?

He's hurting too now. I don't want him to. I want him to realise I'm not worth it and that he should just leave me alone. I'm ruining his life.

Just as I think that, he comes into my bedroom and looks around for something. When he finds a big bag, he takes it and lays it down on the bed.

'We're going on a trip. To Spain. Pack your things, okay? Just for a few days. I want you to get out of this flat.'

And so I do what he tells me and a few hours later I am on a plane to Spain, my head leaned against the window and looking over the small cars that just look like little dots while a warm and big hand makes it's way to my thigh. I lay mine down on top of it and when he wants to pull his away, I just squeeze it and hold it there, smiling faintly out of the window.

I wish he wouldn't be so scared of touching me. I wish I wasn't so scared of someone touching me.

# -

The next week flies by. And in a good way. We spend an amazing time together, sightseeing, tanning, laughing too.

It sometimes feels like we might be a real couple.

But I shouldn't get my hopes up, we might not even be friends for all I know.

When we're on our way back on the plane, he raises my hand to brush his lips over my knuckles. He's been doing that a lot, these little gestures.

When I let out a quiet giggle, he presses his nose into my hair and kisses over my ear.

It feels so good right now, just being like that. Feeling alright, light and kind of free. I enjoy it.

I wish it could be like this forever.

# -

I go out again. I am always surrounded by other people, never going anywhere where isn't anyone near who could help me, but I go out again. I buy myself some food and even start going back to work. A little free.

He still visits often, almost every day now, and sometimes takes me out. We went shopping just a few days ago and yesterday we got something to eat at a really nice place.

I hope we have something that you can call a relationship.

Right now we are cuddling on my couch and watching some movie when he suddenly turns around slightly to look me in the eyes.

'Can I kiss you?'

I nod as an answer and then I feel soft and warm lips against my own. It feels good, it feels like flying. I smile when I realise he has turned off the sound of the tv and he chuckles quietly.

It's nothing more than a press of lips, close mouthed. But it means so much.

He pulls me on his lap and I lean into him, feeling warm and lightheaded. His lips are on mine again and they press with a little more force, before pulling away again and then reconnecting. He keeps pecking my lips until I start giggling and need to pull away, thighs parted and seating on his legs with my hands on his shoulders.

He looks at me like I'm the sun.

I wish he won't ever stop looking at me like this.

# -

His hands are getting harsher on my waist and I know I told him to not touch me there, at least not a lot. But he tightens his grip around my hips and before I know it, I push him back.

'Don't- don't do that,' I grit out.

His face goes from flushed to pale and his eyes widen. 'Shit- shit! I'm sorry, Lou. God, I'm so damn sorry.'

I just close my eyes and let my hearbeat calm down. I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry.

'Hey, Lou. Lou, I'm sorry.'

'I know that,' I whisper with a shaky voice. 'I'm just being pathetic again.'

'You're not, babe. You're perfect. I need to be more careful. It's my fault, okay?'

'No.'

'Yes, now shut up. Let's go to the movies, yeah? It'll distract us.'

'Okay.'

I wish he wouldn't have to be so careful.

-

_'Mr. Tomlinson?'_

'That's me.'

_'We wanted to tell you that he is going to be in court again in one month. He was accused to have assaulted a sixteen year old girl. She will testify. Would you like to go there to testify as well?'_

'I-'

_'You have one month to think over it, but please think about it thoroughly.'_

'Yes, thank you.'

_'Goodbye, have a nice day'_

'You too.'

# -

'You sure you wanna do this?' Harry asks quietly into my ear while he stands behind me and watches us through the mirror.

'Yes. I'm sure.'

'That's perfect, love,' Harry smiles and presses a small kiss over my ear. 'You know, I'm really proud of you. No matter if you're going to do it or not.'

I just smile and turn around to kiss Harry soundly on the lips.

We drive to the court together, hands intertwined on the gearstick and Harry kisses me one last time before I need to go, waiting outside for me.

When I come back out of the courthall, I have red eyes and tears dried on my cheeks but the biggest grin ever on my face.

'Fifty-two months,' I whisper, before throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. 'Fifty-two months.'

I can literally feel the weight on his shoulders lifting and he keeps me close to him while he deepens the kiss, stroking over my cheek and crying salty tears.

Right now I cannot wish for anything. I can even say I'm close to being truly happy.

**Author's Note:**

> I am desperately looking for someone who would like to edit my stories. I keep finding grammar and spelling mistakes in the stories that I've posted already and I wish I had someone to see them and correct them before I they are posted...  
> So, please please pelease, if you are interested and quite familiar with the english language text me over kik (28elena09), instagram DM (artlarrie), twitter (dxnt_crx_lxvx) or just leave a comment here and we'll find a way to talk!  
> I love you all lots and would be so happy about feedback to this story and kudos of course.


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